10 min read.
“…Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all”
When I heard those lyrics for the first time, it touched a deep part of my soul, a hidden part of me that desperately desired to feel seen and heard. It brought up childhood memories I had normalized for so long – experiences I didn’t realize needed healing.
If you struggle with feeling seen and heard in relationships
If you have trouble connecting with and expressing your feelings
If you’ve experienced what it’s like to feel completely numb
If the lyrics spoke to you
If you feel the nudge to read further
There are messages here for you, within my story.
As always, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.
Suppressing Childhood Emotions
You may relate to not being guided in childhood on how to feel your feelings properly and process your thoughts.
Having a parental figure hold space for me to experience my emotions and support me in understanding the source of my pain, was a foreign concept. When trying to be vulnerable by expressing emotions such as sadness or anger I was consistently met with dismissive statements:
“Don’t bring this up again.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“Not now.”
“Be quiet!”
Statements that silenced my voice, leading me to feeling rejected. I quickly learned to hide and bury the emotions I deemed undesirable based on the reactions of my parents. I learned to normalize suffering in silence.
It was a lonely and confusing experience as a child. It became painful.
So painful.
I was too young to understand what was happening. I subconsciously started believing home was not a safe and open space to be vulnerable and express my authentic feelings.
Throughout childhood I continued what I was taught – hide and bury.
“Grin and bear it.”
Numbing the Pain
I became so good at burying any hint of “bad” emotions, as quickly as they were felt, hidden just like I learned. And when it became too painful. . . I instinctively protected myself by burying the pain too.
Deep. . . . deep. . . down.
With it buried so deep, a new feeling grew – numbness. And feeling numb meant surviving.
It seemed to bring peace to my environment. Numbing seemed good. . . no more “bad” feelings, no more excruciating pain.
No more rejection.
But after a while the numbness took over. . .
Yes, it didn’t hurt anymore. . . But the “good” feelings weren’t spared. All feelings started disappearing, until I was left with nothing but a dullness in my chest and repressed rage.
Once I was stuck in that numb place for long enough, months on end, years. . . fear and unsettling thoughts started to creep in.
“When will I be able to feel again”
“I feel like a zombie, am I even alive?”
“Am I going to stay like this. . . forever?”
Solo Feeling the Feels
After what seemed like forever, when I was able to feel again, I felt so much relief.
I promised myself I would never go back to that place.
I would intentionally give myself the space to feel everything. The sadness, the anger, the pain - all the feelings I was conditioned to hide from others.
So I supported myself, I no longer buried my emotions and was embracing feeling all the feels. . .
Alone.
I wasn’t consciously aware this hadn’t solved anything, that I still had an underlying belief to hide “bad” feelings from others, to hide my voice.
I struggled to develop strong and supportive emotional connections in my adult relationships, and I didn’t understand why.
It didn’t hit me until well into my 20s that my relationship struggles were directly affected by unhealed patterns I had developed from a major childhood wound – emotional neglect.
How Withholding Emotions Negatively Affects Relationships
If you haven’t learned to connect with yourself and healthily express your emotions, the way you show up in relationships suffers greatly.
A huge part of it for me was related to my continued struggle to understand my feelings, the resistance I built to being vulnerable, and how I learned to instinctively silence my inner voice by hiding my truth.
Some ways this shows up:
Ignoring conflict by “sweeping it under the rug”
Avoiding vulnerable conversations
Agreeing and going along with everything to keep the peace
When someone says or does something that hurts or annoys you, you instinctively bury it, and ignore it
Not understanding the source of your frustration and annoyance
Not sharing what you think or feel so you don’t make the situation “worse”
If your words don’t get across the first time, easily giving up because you believe nothing will change
Suffering in silence, not letting others know when you’re hurting
You may hear from partners (from any relevant relationship dynamic – platonic, romantic, sexual, familial, work, etc.):
“I don’t want to talk about it, can we just move on?”
“I hate when you cry, let’s talk later.”
“Why do you always have to argue with me?”
“You’re over thinking it.”
“You’re just sensitive.”
“Its not that big of a deal.”
“Can’t you just be more like XXX?”
“I didn’t mean it like that, you don’t have to get mad.”
“Get over it already.”
In my relationships I entered a repetitive cycle of feeling unheard, not valued, unloved, disconnected, simply not enough, that there’s something wrong with me.
These themes repeated in my relationships because I had a pattern of attracting dynamics that felt familiar to me – loved ones who dismissed my feelings.
How Expressing your Truth Transforms Relationships
If you understand how you are feeling, acknowledge your triggers and believe your voice matters, you are able to express yourself honestly and from a vulnerable place while asking for what you need to feel loved.
You'll feel empowered to:
Express when you are hurting and in pain
Share your perspective because your view is important
Believe your own feelings
Protect and love your inner child
Share your inner world
Speak your truth
Discuss what’s on your mind
It will become more easeful to ask for help and tell your partner(s):
“Hey, I was hurt by something you said, are you available right now to talk about it?”
“Thanks for sharing your view. I see it this way.”
“My feelings matter. It’s important I share them.”
“I feel small when you say things like it’s not a big deal.”
“I heard you say XXX, can you clarify what you mean?”
“I want some help with XXX, can you support me right now?”
“Are you available to help me unpack these thoughts?”
When you express your truth and allow yourself to receive support, you will be able to attract relationships that mirror back the type of open and vulnerable energy you put in.
You will feel supported by partners who:
Care about how you are feeling
Are intentional with understanding your inner world
Are open and receptive to feedback
Are able to express their feelings from a place of love
Let you feel your authentic feelings without trying to control them
Embrace the way you express yourself
Believe your pain
Provide a welcoming and open space for you to share
You will hear from partners:
“Hey, just checking in. How are you feeling?”
“What are your thoughts on this?”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“What can I do to best support you right now?”
“I hear you.”
“I appreciate your honesty.”
“Hey are you emotionally available to chat about something that’s been on my mind?”
“Do you want space or would you like company?”
“Thank you for telling me how you feel.”
Connecting with your Feelings and Loving your Inner Child
Understanding how I am feeling, acknowledging the unmet needs of my inner child, and giving myself the love I deserve, supported me in breaking the pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
My energy shifted to attract partners who support me feeling seen, heard, appreciated, worthy, valued, and genuinely loved.
Trusting that you can provide and give yourself the love you desire will foster safety and security within yourself. When you are able to consistently show yourself how you deserve to feel, and embody that loving energy, this will help you recognize that supportive energy in future relationship dynamics.
You won’t desire or accept anything less.
Below I share a powerful way that helped me combine the practice of connecting to my body and emotions while loving my inner child.
Feeling Feelings and Self Love Active Practice ~15-20 minutes
Music has been and continues to be a major pillar in my healing journey. I invite you to allow the melody and lyric to support you in giving your experience a voice, and help you release trapped emotions and memories that no longer serve you.
1. Choose a song you feel particularly drawn to or find comfort in.
If you are numb or have trouble connecting with your feelings, it’s helpful to choose songs that match your current situation, mood, or relevant past experiences. It’s okay if feeling takes time, the feelings may only come out for brief moments at first.
2. Before you listen, briefly review the following questions to help prompt you to connect with yourself and your feelings as you listen:
How does your body feel? E.g. Heavy or light
What physical sensations do you feel? E.g. Cramping, Prickling, Relaxed
What parts of your body are affected? E.g. Chest, Head, Arms
What thoughts or memories come up?
If I had to give this emotion a name, what would it be?
3. Create a quiet and comfortable space for yourself. Listen to the song entirely without any distractions, feel the melody, and notice segments that stick out for you.
4. Replay the song and read the lyrics as you listen. If specific lyrics resonate in some way, pay attention to what comes up for you.
Listen to your body and be open to thoughts or memories that come through. Try your best to feel through the slight changes in your body.
5. Replay the song a third time and really surrender. Lean into emotional release.
Express yourself by doing what your body tells you:
Sing – my personal favorite
Cry
Yell
Swing a pillow
Dance
Get comfortable and close your eyes
Just immerse yourself inside the song, embrace your emotions and feel through it in its entirety.
Replaying songs help bring up the emotions you felt when you initially listened to it. You are accustomed to the melody and beat which helps provide a sense of comfort and security since you are already familiar with which sensations and feelings will come through. | Often, I have a song on repeat for days on end because it still speaks to something within me. There will be a point where you feel the energy has shifted and you understand the messages meant to find you. |
6. Add the song to a mood playlist, or create one.
Intentionally building mood playlists overtime will provide you a source of songs to listen to when you want to connect with your feelings and shift your energy.
7. Take at least a few minutes to reflect on the questions from step 2.
When you’re ready, you’ll spend the next few minutes connecting with the part of yourself that desires to be loved.
8. When in a comfortable position take a few deep breaths to ground yourself
9. Show yourself gratitude by literally thanking your body for letting you know how you are feeling, “thank you for showing me what to explore for supportive healing”
10. Ask yourself what it is you need to best feel loved right now.
Be open to how the answer comes – it could be a feeling, a whisper, a visualization of yourself from a different time, etc.
Take note if the you asking to be loved, is from a particular period in your life. It could be the you from a young age, a decade ago, last month, present you, etc.
Take time to listen with an open heart.
11. Now, give yourself the love you asked for. It could be actively given in the present moment or visualized in your mind to another you – a hug, words of encouragement, a treat, etc.
Give yourself permission to love yourself the way you deserve to feel loved.
12. Take the time to be present in this moment, to really receive the warmth of your love.
You can place a hand over your heart, take a few intentional deep breaths, sit in stillness, etc.
13. When you feel comforted from your support, show yourself gratitude by telling yourself out loud “thank you, for taking the time to listen and love me the way I want to be loved.”
14. Embody the emotional support you need and tell yourself, “I can always come back to this safe and open space for me to express how I feel, and give myself the love I deserve.”
15. Close out with some deep breathes as you relax into your own loving energy.
Be proud of yourself for taking intentional time to feel and understand yourself.
Connecting with yourself and feeling your feelings should be celebrated!
Words of Support from my Heart to Yours
I remember wandering through the darkness alone, thinking I would have given anything to feel something again. After who knows how long . . . a thought entered my mind, that shifted everything – I’d rather feel pain than live in this numbness void of joy.
“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all” – 02:50 Need you Now, Lady A
Those lyrics so easily expressed that significant part of my journey. It made me feel that my experience was being acknowledged. That my feelings were validated.
It spoke to the powerful realization of wanting to feel my feelings no matter what, which has deeply shaped my healing practices. Guiding me to form key foundational pillars for self-love and empowerment – feeling your feelings, trusting your inner voice, and inner child healing.
Just know, you don’t have to struggle and suffer alone in silence.
I am always a welcoming and open space for you to express your truth. If this speaks to you, check out the ways I can support you in connecting with your feelings, listening to and loving your inner child, and shifting patterns that no longer serve you.
I’d love to be a guide on your journey to deepening self-love and self-respect. Where you confidently express your voice and connect with partners who celebrate and embrace your uniquely beautiful soul.
I’m Curious
Which parts resonated for you and your experience?
When going through the active practice what came up for you?
What song is currently helping you connect with your feelings more?
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